the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
