Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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