i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
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He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
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We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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