I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
