Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
