I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
vagina is talking i cant
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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