you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Randomize
