I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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