If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
