Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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