I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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