if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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