nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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