I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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