3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...