Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
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Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS