Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
