Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
