I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Randomize
