I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
