How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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