I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
my phone needs a breathalizer
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
