1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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