I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Randomize
