They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
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