So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
