Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
