So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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