i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Randomize
