i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
