so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
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