Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
