whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
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