I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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