Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Randomize
