you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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