I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
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