if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
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He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
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I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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