He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
