awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
