So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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