i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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