Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
