Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
