I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize
