the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
