i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
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