batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
