he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
