Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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