I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
