one might say we're banned from that church
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
