Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
