sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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