You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
