God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Randomize
