i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Randomize
